


Without Regrets

by BlackUnicorn



Series: The Art of Forgiveness [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Drama & Romance, First Kiss, Friendship, Gay Panic, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Together, Hogwarts, James Potter Is Not An Asshole, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders' Era, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Pranks, Protective James Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sexuality Crisis, Sirius Black Being Ridiculous, Sirius Black Being an Idiot, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black as Padfoot, The Prank, Werewolf Remus Lupin, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-28 00:04:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8422963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackUnicorn/pseuds/BlackUnicorn
Summary: Growing up is hard. Growing up a wizard even harder. Throw werewolves and romance into the mix and you've got yourself a pretty big mess.But then again...it's not always bad...





	

**Author's Note:**

> 21/04/2018  
> So, I kinda rewrote this a bit.  
> Basically I just corrected the typos and punctuation errors and changed a few awkward sentences into something less awkward but the plot is the same.  
> Also, more tags.  
> Enjoy

**Sirius**

 

He and James sat behind the greenhouse the second week in a row now.

It had been James’ idea, mostly. He was obsessed with the thought of helping Remus. Since they had found out about his ‘furry little problem’ two years ago, he had spent a lot of time in the library and decided that it would be a great idea for all of them to become Animagi. That had been last hear.

This year, however, James had dragged Sirius with him to find out how they could manage that. It was tiring work but Sirius, too, was determined to help his friend.

They had taken a lot of books with them and gone outside, no one came behind the greenhouse at this time of night since it was, in fact, forbidden and if anyone were to find them there…well… _let’s not think about that_. Sirius was immensely grateful for James’ invisibility cloak because without it they would have never been able to sneak out. Now they sat in the dark with only their wands giving light and read for hours and hours, every night, for the last two weeks.

“Look at this, James,” Sirius said and showed his friend a drawing of a red – haired girl that turned into a fox, “Looks just like your Evans, doesn’t she? “. He grinned when he saw James blushing.

Lily Evans, the red – haired Gryffindor, a rather pretty and intelligent girl, and absolutely not interested in James, although he had had a crush on her for nearly four years now.

“Shut up, Sirius.”

“Did she turn you down again?” Sirius couldn’t help it. It was just too much fun teasing James.

He couldn’t say that he particularly liked Evans, she was quite annoying because she always thought that she knew better and kept sticking her nose in other peoples’ business.   

“She didn’t – I never –” James stammered.

“Maybe _I_ should talk to her,” Sirius suggested and saw James’ jaw clench. He was not playing fair, Sirius knew that and yet…For months and months now, had he had to listen to James constantly swooning over Evans. At least once a week he tried to talk to her or to ask her out on a date and every time she said no and it was Sirius who had to cheer him up afterwards.

“Don’t you dare,” James growled, and even with the little light they had, Sirius could see the anger in James’ eyes.

“You wanna take dares now?” Sirius raised his eyebrows in an unspoken challenge.

“What?!” James sputtered, “What is your problem?”

“ _My_ problem?” Sirius echoed, “I don’t have a problem, but you…you keep chasing after some obnoxious girl that wouldn’t even talk to you. Don’t you think you deserve better than that?” Because that was just it, wasn’t it? James deserved better.

“Don’t talk about her like that! Honestly, what is wrong with you?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Sirius snapped back at his friend. _There isn’t_. “You’re just wasting your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.”

At some point they must have both risen to their feet because they standing face to face, mere inches apart.

“And what would you know about appreciation, Black?” James hissed at him and Sirius flinched.

_I’m not like that, he thought frantically, I’m not like them._

“Shut up.”

“You always get what you want, and you don’t even think about it for one bloody second.”

“I said shut up!”

“Or what?” James was almost shouting now, their voices surely being carried all the way up to the castle, “What are you gonna do?”

There was something in Sirius’ brain short – circuiting. He couldn’t think, his mind filled with white noise and anger and something else, something bitter and stinging and –

It took Sirius a solid few minutes to register his own movements. It was like watching a stranger and that stranger was stepping even closer to James and James raised his hands to do… _something_ …and then their lips met, hard and violent and –

_What the hell am I doing?_

Sirius stumbled backwards, staring at the baffled expression on James’ face, and he ran

 

He didn’t know how long he had been in the Forbidden Forest but by the time he came out again the horizon glowed in a golden – red light and the grass was wet with dew. Sirius snuck back into the castle and tiptoed upstairs, using the hidden passages. He arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady and said the password, before she could give him a lecture. The curtains of James’ bed were closed and Sirius could hear soft snoring from behind.   

The next day was horrible. Sirius was dead tired, he couldn’t concentrate, and he kept staring at him, his eyes boring into Sirius’s head. Neither of them spoke of what had happened the night before but they could also not pretend like it hadn’t. Sirius caught himself glancing at James whenever he thought the others wouldn’t notice. He was confused, or rather he was not and that was even more confusing. He had had girlfriends; in fact, the girls practically threw themselves at him and that was nice. He liked girls, liked their soft skin, their curves and pretty faces, but he always felt like that wasn’t enough. He also had always looked at blokes; their muscles and strong behaviour.

He had never actually worried about that, it had just been a fact, something that happened, but now… _now_ , he had kissed James, he had _enjoyed_ kissing James, and that… _what does that mean?_

Sirius looked at James once again, his hair looked as messy as ever as if he had just gotten off his broomstick, he followed James gaze and saw Evans with one of her friends, they were giggling and whispering and Sirius felt a sudden wave of jealousy rolling through him.

“Is everything okay Sirius?” Remus asked. He sounded concerned, “You’ve been staring at Lily for the last five minutes now and you looked like you were about to kill someone.”

Sirius blinked, “Yeah. I’m fine.”

He caught James’ eyes, who gave him a very strange look.

Sirius supressed a groan and abandoned his dinner in favour of returning to the Gryffindor Tower where he sat down in front of the fire place and looked into the flames. He knew his behaviour was ridiculous. James was as straight as they came, he madly in love with Evans, and above all he was his _friend_. And it wasn’t like Sirius was interested in him. Not like that, anyway.

Looking around the common room, Sirius noticed two first – year girls staring at him, blushing when they met his eyes, but there was someone else. A guy from fifth year that also looked at him, he, however, did not look away when their eyes met and Sirius smiled. It was his usual smile whenever he wanted something and was determined to get it, it was cheeky, charming, challenging, and the key to every girl’s heart as he had learned; well, _apparently not just to the hearts of girls_.

The older boy came closer, “May I sit?” he asked, “Julian, by the way.”

Sirius took his hand, “Sirius and I’ve got a much better idea.”

Something lit up in Julian’s eyes that told him he had guessed right and when Sirius got up to leave the common room, Julian followed him.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus, James and Peter returned to the common room after dinner, and Remus went upstairs to their dormitory but Sirius was nowhere to be found.

“Where is he?” he asked after coming back down and joining his friends on the sofa, looking at James.

“Don’t look at me. How should I know?” James replied aggressively.

“Well,” Remus began, ignoring his friend’s bad mood, “He’s your best friend and you usually do everything together.” Which was true. James and Sirius were inseparable

“Best friend, yeah…” James muttered bitterly before raising his voice slightly, “Well I don’t know where he is and I don’t care.”

“Geez, did you two have a fight or something?” Peter chipped in.

“No,” James answered even more aggressively.

“I’ll take that as a yes then”, Remus mumbled and was just about to ask what had happened when the portrait hole opened and Sirius came in, or rather strutted in, closely followed by tall, blonde guy Remus didn’t know. They seemed to be saying good-bye to each other, before Sirius went over to his friends while the other boy watched him go, a small smile on his face.  

“Who’s that?” James asked, nodding in the direction of the blonde, and Sirius looked at his friend, frowning.

“Why do you care?” he asked.

“I don’t.” And with that James got up and walked to their dormitory. Remus sighed.

“Honestly, can you just talk about it, whatever it is? You two act as if you were in the middle of some huge marriage crisis.” Peter chuckled at his own joke but sobered up as soon as he met Sirius’ gaze that would have made a Dementor back off. Without any further words Sirius turned around and followed James upstairs.

_Well, he’s not wrong,_ Remus thought. James and Sirius _had been_ acting really strange all day – scratch that, they had been acting weird for weeks now, always sneaking out after dark, whispering to each other, and of course Remus wondered what they were up to. _Probably nothing good…_ And sure, they fought sometimes. Usually petty bickering and stupid tiffs, nothing serious and after a few hours they had both forgotten about it and went on as if nothing had happened. Somehow though, this seemed a little bit different. A little bit more difficult.

_Something must have happened last night._

Since the very  first day at Hogwarts, James and Sirius had been friends, dragging him, Remus, and Peter around with them and Remus still remembered that as if it had been yesterday. The excitement, the fear, the joy, it was still there.

The four of them had become friends very quickly and it had gotten harder and harder for Remus to keep his secret, well, a secret. He constantly had had to make up new lies about his absence and of course James Potter and Sirius Black found out the truth eventually.

It had been during their second year, Remus had just returned from the Hospital Wing, and his three friends had already been waiting for him.

 

_“There you are Remus. How’s your mum?” James asked._

My mum? _Remus had forgotten which excuse he had used this time, but apparently his mum was ‘ill’._

_“Oh, she’s better, I think…”_

_“Is she, now? Was she ill?”_

_“Nothing serious –”_

_“Weren’t you supposed to be at a funeral? Of your aunt I think, or was it your godfather? Do you remember Sirius?” he turned towards Sirius who shook his head, smirking, “Not really James, no. Of course it is always possible that the funeral had been last month…”_

_“Or the month before that,” James finished the sentence and Remus felt three pairs of eyes staring at him._

_“Yeah, you know, it’s kind of difficult to keep track with where you go off to –”_

_“Every month –”_

_“On the full moon,” Sirius finished._

_“What? I…er…I…” Remus was lost for words which made Sirius only grin wider_

_“We kind of know, Remus,” he said softly._

_“Know? Know what?” it was hopeless, Remus was aware of that,_ but maybe _, he thought,_ maybe they’ve got it wrong. Maybe they don’t know _._

_“About your…furry little problem,” James said and Remus heart sunk somewhere near his feet._

That’s it _, he thought._

_His friends watched him very closely, waiting for a reaction._

_“Look, guys…” Remus began, “I will talk to Dumbledore, okay? You won’t have to spend one more night with me in the same room, I promise. Just don’t –”_

_But James interrupted, “Whoa. What are you talking about? Do you know what he is talking about?” he asked Sirius, who shook his head, “Not a clue, James.” and Remus didn’t either._

_“What?” he asked in confusion, “What are_ you _talking about?”_

_Sirius sighed, “Remus, this is us, telling you, that we don’t care. We don’t have a problem with it.”_

_Remus blinked, “You – you don’t?” He really couldn’t believe it._

_“No we don’t. You’re a werewolf, so what? Not everyone’s perfect.” James shrugged._

_“What James said. We’re friends remember? You’d have to try harder to get rid of us.” and then he smiled his ‘I’m Sirius Black and I’m gorgeous’ – smile, which he had perfected by now already._

_“I – I don’t know what to say,” Remus told them truthfully. It was all too much._

_James too gave him a big smile, “You don’t have to say anything except, maybe, that we are the amazing, although that wouldn’t be any news.”_

_And Remus laughed,_ that is true _, he thought,_ but still _…_

_“You’re not gonna tell anyone, are you? I mean –”_

_“You’re disappointing me. We might not be as brainy as you are but we are not stupid either, are we Peter?” Sirius turned towards the smallest boy who had been silent until then, “Yes we are…I mean, no we’re not…I mean –”_

_“I think, what Peter is trying to tell you Remus,” James cut in, “Is that we will of course not tell anybody.”_

_They ended up playing a party of Wizard’s Chess and the topic had not come up, until the next full moon._

 

Dwelling on those memories now, it seemed even sadder that James and Sirius were not speaking to each other. Remus looked down at his watch. It had been half an hour now, since the two of them had gone upstairs, and if there was anything to sort out they must have done that by now and if they hadn’t, well…then there was nothing to sort out.

Remus got up, told Peter that he would go to bed as well and went upstairs but waited a heartbeat or two before he actually opened the door to their dormitory. Everything seemed quite and peaceful, maybe that was a good sign, maybe not.

When he finally entered the room, James and Sirius sat on James’ bed an open book between them like nothing had ever happened.

“Hey, Remus,” they greeted their friend without looking up from the book.

Remus blinked, _really,_ he thought, _those two…_

* * *

 

**Sirius**

He wasn’t quite sure why he went after James except that something told him that Remus might be right, hey _had_ to talk about it. He entered the dormitory and found James sitting on his bed, apparently waiting for him. At first they just looked at each other and Sirius had no idea what to say, fortunately, it was James who broke the silence, “I’ve found a book that might be useful. It describes pretty good what we have to do to become Anmagi.”

Sirius nodded, that was not exactly what he had come for, “Good. « he muttered nonetheless, “Listen, James, I’m sorry about last night.”

“Yeah, me too.”

There was an awkward silence and Sirius tried to think of something to say, “Right, so…I think I will just go, have a shower and then we can have a look on that book, okay?”

“Okay,” James answered and Sirius turned away to leave, but James held him back, “Why did you do it?” he asked quietly. Sirius turned back again but James did not look at him, his eyes taking an immensely high interest in his fingernails.

Sirius shrugged, “I don’t know. I just felt like it.” Which was kind of, maybe, half true.

“You’re not…I mean…are you…” James took a deep breath and looked up, “I don’t care if you’re into blokes but I mean…I’m not…I mean we can’t…” his voice failed but Sirius understood anyways.

“I know,” he assured James, “It’s not like I fancy you. Or well I do, probably, you’re good – looking and everything but that’s it. You’re my best mate and that’s it.”

“So, we’re cool?”

“We’re cool.”

And it was.

Everything seemed to be back to normal, James gave him a cheerful smile and Sirius smiled back.

“So, I’ll just have that shower now, shall I? And then we can see what that book says that you’ve found.” He left the dormitory and thought about what he had just said to James, _You’re my best mate and that’s it_.

It was true, James was Sirius’ best friend, even more than that, James was Sirius’ brother and even if he might have a slight crush on him, he did not want to change their friendship for anything in the world.

After the shower they sat together on James’ bed, heads over a book from the Restricted Section of the library, when Remus walked in. He seemed startled when he found his two friends together like this; Sirius couldn’t blame him.

_I should thank him some time,_ he thought, _I would have never put up the courage to talk to James, if it hadn’t been for Remus._

* * *

 

**Remus**

It was a few months after the mysterious fight between James and Sirius that Remus was in the library, reading, and Sirius sat down at his table, “Hey Moony.”

Remus blinked, there was something incredibly wrong with that picture.

“First of all, who is Moony? And second of all, what in Merlin’s name are you doing in the library? You never come here.”

Sirius seemed kind of nervous, was that even possible? The great Sirius Black, nervous? But he grinned, “Yes, Moony. Don’t you like the name? I think it suits you, with the moon – thing and all,” he explained and Remus rolled his eyes, _very witty_.

“Right, I suppose. Still, what are you doing here? Surely you didn’t come all the way to inform me about my new nickname.”

“Clever as always”, Sirius winked before growing more serious, “I kind of wanted to talk to you…” He paused and Remus waited. It was rare enough that Sirius actually wanted to talk properly to anyone about anything but when he did, the only on his own terms. “D’you know Jeff, from sixth year? Big, hunky Ravenclaw, dark hair, blue eyes?”

“Er –” Remus took a moment to think about Sirius’ description. “ I might have seen him once or twice…what about him?”

“Well, we were kind of seeing each other lately…” Sirius continued.

“Okay, so?” Remus asked before the true implication of Sirius words hit him, “Wait. What? Are you telling me that you’ve been dating that Jeff?”

Sirius seemed to need a moment to think about that, “Yeah, I suppose I am.”

Remus blinked, “Right. I didn’t know you’re interested in guys.”

“Well you do now. I just told you, didn’t I?”

“Right,” Remus said again, he didn’t quite know what to make of that, “I can handle that,” he muttered more to himself than his friend whose face immediately lit up.

“Perfect,” he exclaimed, “So, Jeff and I have been seeing each other, kind of, and it was really nice and I even started to like him a bit and he said that he liked me too and then yesterday, precious Jeff suddenly remembers that he has a girlfriend and that we can’t see each other anymore.” Sirius seemed properly shocked about that, although Remus still didn’t see his point.

“Sorry to hear that. Did he hurt you?” he asked, unable to think of anything better.

“Yes!” Sirius cried out, “Not my feelings, obviously, but I mean, I’m Sirius fucking Black!”

Remus looked at the brunet, motionless. “Sirius, I don’t quite see your point I’m afraid. Why are you telling me this now and here?”

“Well, since you are my best friend, after James, no offence, and you’re all responsible and clever and stuff, I wanted to warn you, for there might be some trouble at dinner tonight.”

Remus supressed a groan, “What have you done?” he asked, already expecting the worst.”

“I haven’t done anything, not yet, anyway.”

Remus sighed, “Okay, you know what? Don’t tell. I don’t want to know. Because if I did, I would have to try to stop you, because I’m all responsible and clever and stuff and we both know that that is never a good idea.”

“You’re an angel Moony,” Sirius said, now grinning widely. Remus knew that grin and it never meant anything good.

“So, what about you?” asked Sirius suddenly.

“What about me?”

“Well, last I checked I didn’t know of any dates for you.”

“Yeah, that’s because I’ve never been on an actual date, as you very well know.”

“Isn’t there anyone you fancy?”

Remus never had given it much thought until now, _was_ there anyone?

“No,” he answered slowly, “Not really. I mean I know attractiveness when I see it and I acknowledge it and everything but it is not like I’m _interested_ in those people; not sexually anyway.” It felt kind of strange to talk about that, especially to Sirius who, normally, couldn’t string together two sentences without cracking a joke.

“Okay,” Sirius said and Remus frowned.

“Okay? That’s all? No stupid jokes, no embarrassing attempts to set me up with someone?”

“No. I believe that you are perfectly capable to find someone you like on your own.”

“Right. Thank you, I guess.”

He couldn’t quite believe that he had just had a conversation about his love life with Sirius Black and, which was even scarier, that Sirius hadn’t made one joke.

“Anyway, I’m off. So much to do, you know. People to hex, pranks to plan and I have to make some preparations before dinner.” And with that he dashed out of the library.

“How can you put up with him?” a very familiar voice asked from behind Remus’ back and he startled. Behind him stood Lily Evans, he met her fairly often in the library and they had started studying together. He liked Lily. Quite a lot actually even though they almost never spoke of anything personal, but he knew that she wasn’t exactly fond of his friends. In fact, it was the first time she mentioned one of them, ever.

“Sirius is alright once you get to know him,” Remus defended his friend.

Lily let out a snort, “I think I’ll pass, thanks.” She didn’t seem angry, it was just her opinion of James and Sirius, and Remus admired her a bit for that, she always stood her ground, no matter what.

Her smile faded and she looks at him, worried, “Are you okay Remi? You look pale.”   

And he must have gotten even paler after that remark. It was only a week till the next full moon and he always looked slightly ill around that time of the month. Lily now sat down on the very chair Sirius had just left.

She lowered her voice, “It’s the moon isn’t it? And don’t lie to me.” She added in a demanding tone, “I know, okay? And I just want to tell you, that I don’t care, you could have talked to me instead of keeping it a secret.”

“I hardly know you,” Remus pointed out and regretted it almost at once. He hadn’t meant to say it like that even if was true, it had just slipped out. Lily, however, didn’t seem offended; she smiled, like always, “That’s true,” she admitted, “But maybe we should change that.”

And Remus smiled back.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

He stood in front of 12 Grimmauld Place, a handsome, fifteen - year old boy in black trousers and a black leather jacket; next to him lay a big trunk. Sirius sighed, there was no use, he had to enter the house eventually and his mother was probably already wondering where he was. She hated it when he was late. _Or anything else I do.._.

Reluctantly, Sirius opened the door and stood in the gloomy hallway. For one second he actually thought no one had noticed his arrival but no such, “Sirius, you lazy, worthless scum. Come up here now!” he heard her voice from upstairs. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath but then did as his mother told him to.

“I am also happy to see you, mother”, Sirius said, putting as much spite and sarcasm into his voice as possible while Walburga Black glared at him.

“Where have you been? Your brother arrived an hour ago!”

“I am sorry but I didn’t know Regulus had gone home. I was looking for him.”

“Liar!” she screamed and slapped him in the face. “Now, clean up your room!” She rushed out and left Sirius alone in his room, his cheek burning.

“I’m sorry,” a soft voice from behind him whispered, Sirius turned around and saw his brother standing in the door, “I couldn’t find you anywhere on the platform so I thought you had gone home already.”

“It’s not your fault.” And it wasn’t. Sirius gave his brother a smile, they weren’t exactly close but they both agreed that their mother was a bit over the top sometimes.

“It’s good to see you ‘though,” Regulus said and went downstairs.

Sirius closed the door of his room and looked around. Everything was exactly as he had left it last summer.

The posters of muggles on the walls, the chaos on his bed, the boxes under the bed.

He knelt down and picked them up before sitting down on the mattress and opening the one on top. Inside was a stack of photos. Some showed him with James, others with Remus and Peter, there were those of his three friends together and those showing just one of them, but Sirius was looking for a very particular photo and –

Remus, eleven years old and sitting in a pile of snow, laughing. Sirius smiled at the memory.

It had been during their first year at Hogwarts, their first Christmas together, and it had been the first Christmas in Sirius’ life that he had actually enjoyed. Snow had been falling that day, they had gone outside for a snowball fight, and after that James had took that very photo. Sirius’ thoughts drifted further away; a view weeks ago he had told Remus about his…thing…with Jeff. He had been relieved that his friend apparently didn’t care about that. About Jeff being male.

It had also been kind of nice to talk to Remus about those things because even though James was his best friend and they shared everything, he couldn’t bring himself to actually talk about his feelings to him, but with Moony that didn’t seem to be an issue because Moony was Moony. And then the Great Hall Incident had happened. It had been only one in a long line of incidents that always happened around Sirius, although, in his defence, it was usually not just him but James and Sirius that played the pranks together. This time, however, Sirius was completely responsible for that very irresponsible joke. He knew that he shouldn’t have done it but in that very moment it had seemed justifiable, almost appropriate. Jeff had hurt his feelings, although Sirius couldn’t bring himself to admit that. He had really liked the guy and when Jeff had told him that it was over he had overreacted. Probably.

Jeff had stood in the Great Hall right next to his girlfriend and Sirius had walked up to them and then he had just kissed him, right there in front of all of the students. Now the entire school knew that the great, irresistible Sirius Black was interested in boys and Sirius had secretly hoped that the news would also reach his parents, that it would give his mother a reason to throw him out.

_Knock, knock._

Sirius started up from his thoughts.

“Come in,” he called out and even before the door had opened he knew that it couldn’t be his mother since she would never knock but rather storm in and complain why the door was shut. Regulus closed the door behind him after he had entered.

“What do you want?” Sirius asked, not unkindly.

“I haven’t told mum, you know…” he explained, not meeting Sirius’ eyes.

“Told her what?”

“About you and…about you.” Sirius’ little brother blushed slightly, apparently expecting an angry reaction from the other boy.

“Oh,” Sirius just said, “Well, you should have.”

“What?” Regulus looked confused now, “Why?”

“Would have made it easier, don’t you think?”

“She would throw you out.”

“Exactly. I don’t belong here Regulus, you know that as good as I do.”

“I don’t want you to go,” Regulus whispered and suddenly Sirius realised that Regulus was still his little brother, only thirteen years old and definitely not able to deal with their mother on his own.

“Well, looks like I’m not going anywhere just yet, doesn’t it? So, don’t worry.”  

He gave Regulus and encouraging smile and the younger boy nodded before announcing that they would soon have dinner and leaving Sirius alone again.

Sirius remained on his bed letting his thoughts wander back to Remus. It was strange. He just couldn’t keep him out of his head. He took another look at the photo and then picked up a more recent one in which he stood with James, Peter and Remus in front of the lake. Finally, he shook his head, in order to think of something else and started to tidy up his bed so he could actually sleep in it.

* * *

 

**Remus**

It was the first full moon during their fifth year, school had started only a couple of weeks ago and his friends had been acting very strange lately, not that they had ever been not strange but this really set a new record. They stayed out until late, there was whispering and mysterious notes and every so often when Remus entered a room, his friends fell silent all of a sudden. Now he was alone in their dormitory, preparing himself for the following night, and his friends weren’t there. Which was fine, they were free to do whatever they wanted but…there was a nagging voice in the back of Remus’ head telling his that this was it. This was the year where they had finally realised he wasn’t worth the trouble.

The sun sank lower and lower and Remus felt the wolf inside of him, rearing up. He started pacing up and down the room, restless. Suddenly the door opened and James and Peter came in.

“Hey Moony, we came to get you ‘cause we’ve got a little surprise for you,” James announced and dragged Remus out of the room. He tried to ask what was going on but James just shushed him and said, “You’ll see,” before dragging him further along. They nearly ran over Lily as they went out of the common room and she threw a weird look at them, silently asking, “What’s going on?” but Remus could only shrug.

They went outside to the edge of the Forbidden Forest and Remus could see a tall, black dog sitting in the shadow of the trees.

“Here we are. If I may introduce you to Padfoot.” James at the dog, which wagged its tail in excitement. 

“Padfood?” Remus asked, frowning.

“Exactly. Isn’t he cute?” The dog barked as if he disapproved of that description and Remus took a closer look at him. He was indeed huge, with long black fur and grey eyes…Remus frowned, there was _something_ …something familiar about those eyes…

“James, what is this supposed to be?” Remus asked, waiting, but there was no answer.

“James?” he turned around but James and Peter were gone. Instead there was a stag standing in the grass, majestic and beautiful, next to him sat a rat, looking at Remus with its big, watery eyes, “What the –” Remus began, but a voice behind his back made him jump.

“This, my dear Moony, are Prongs and Wormtail, at your service!” The all too familiar voice behind his back, made Remus jump and he turned around to stare at Sirius in utter disbelief.

“What? How -? Where is -?” he stuttered and Sirius laughed. It sounded more like a bark than a laugh and _those eyes_ …Remus shook his head, _no, that can’t be_.

“Moony, Moony, Moony…for being such a genius you are quite clueless sometimes.”

“We thought we’d do you a little favour,” said James, who suddenly showed up behind him again.

“You didn’t…you couldn’t…it’s illegal!” Remus pointed out, realisation slowly dawning on him at what his friends had done.

“Oh, is it, now? Bugger, that must have slipped our minds.” Sirius grinned wickedly.

“But, you can’t do that.”

“Remus, I understand that this is a quite extraordinary situation so I forgive you that it might have slipped your notion that we already did,” said James, now stepping in front of Remus.

“I – I don’t know what to say.” It was all Remus could bring out and he had the strange feeling that he knew this very situation perfectly well and he also knew what James’ next words would be.

“You don’t have to say anything except, maybe, that we are amazing, although that wouldn’t be any news.”

And Remus…Remus laughed because it was really all he could do, because if he didn’t he knew he would cry. It was like a huge weight had just been lifted from his shoulders, a weight he hadn’t even realised was there, dragging him down, crushing him.

“Now, don’t cry Moony. This is gonna be fun.”

Remus was a little bit worried about Sirius’ definition of fun, but then again, he wouldn’t have expected anything else.

When Madame Pomfrey brought him to the Shrieking Shak as usual, Remus waited. He was nervous like he had been the very first time he had been brought here for his transformation, far off from the castle, the students. It didn’t take long for his friends to join him and he couldn’t blame them for the shocked impressions on their faces. He knew what the Shack looked like, the scratches in the walls, the torn furniture.

“Oh my – Moony. Did you do all that by yourself?” Sirius asked. Remus nodded. They didn’t speak much until Remus felt his wolf awakening.

“Transform, now!”

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

It was scary.

Sirius had read all about werewolves and therefore also knew some things about their transformation but actually seeing your best friend turn into one was something completely different.

“Transform, now!” Moony shouted and his face mirrored pain and horror as he bent over, groaning. Sirius had to fight against the impulse to run to Moony for help; he couldn’t help him. Not yet. But still, seeing him like this, hurt.

It felt like hours until a fully grown, huge wolf stood in front of them, eying them suspiciously. Sirius held his breath, they had agreed not to do anything until Moony made the first step. The wolf let out a soft snarl and then stepped forward. His eyes were fixed on Padfoot and Padfoot showed himself submissively. Moony examined the dog very closely, smelling him, seizing him up, apparently coming to the conclusion that he was no immediate threat. He gave Prongs and Wormtail only short looks and then it was over.

The four of them played around and Moony seemed delighted to have friends. He took a very special interest in Padfoot and soon wouldn’t let anyone near him.

They left the Shrieking Shack, walking the school grounds, going deep into the Forbidden Forest, around the lake and near Hogsmead. Sirius didn’t remember having so much fun for a very long time, having a werewolf with them proved a lot easier than they had thought, since Moony only seemed to have eyes for his pack.

When the moon began to set, they returned to the Shack, and Moony immediately curled up on the floor, falling asleep and Sirius, James and Peter resisted the urge to lay down next to him but instead sneaked back into the castle.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus felt a strange weight on his chest when he woke up. With is eyes still closed he tried to feel what it was, his hands grabbing into smooth fur. Remus opened his eyes. Very, very close to his face was a pair of grey eyes staring directly into his.

Remus groaned, “Padfoot, what are you doing here?”

But instead of an answer, Remus simply felt a rough tongue on his cheek. “Whoa! Did you just lick me?” he asked now wide awake.

Padfoot barked and Remus took that as a ‘yes’. He couldn’t help but smile, relaxing slightly as he tickled the dog behind his ear.

Remus felt strange… _changed_ , somehow…Something had been different to his other transformations although he couldn’t say what it was. His mind was still foggy and his entire body ached and he was glad that Madame Pomfrey would be – _bollocks!_

“Shit, Sirius, Padfoot, you have to go! Madame Pomfrey, she –” he stopped.

The dog on his chest was gone and in its stead was Sirius, his head in the very place where Padfoot’s had been only seconds ago. Made no attempt did not move. Remus blushed slightly, it was a weird feeling having Sirius’ head on his chest, yet oddly comfortable.

“We’d both get into trouble,” Remus muttered, trying to ignore his racing heartbeat.

“I know,” Sirius repeated, now with his usual cheeky smile on his face.

“We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“Wouldn’t we?”

They heard a sound from downstairs and Sirius cursed; he grabbed the Invisibility Cloak, which he must have nicked from James and crouched down into a corner. Merely a second later, Madame Pomfrey came in, to see whether Remus was alright, bringing him a big bar of chocolate. They went up to the castle again and Remus lay down in his bed for some more hours of sleep.

 

_He was five, playing outside the house of his parents. It had been a sunny, lovely day, the air was still warm as the sky slowly darkened. His mum was inside the house taking a nap and daddy was still at work and he, Remus, played with his dad’s chessmen in the grass. He wasn’t really allowed to take them because his dad sad that they weren’t for children to play with but Remus liked them, he would put them back later._

_Far behind the forest he could see the moon rising, pale but full._

Snap.

_Remus looked up. Nothing._

Snap.

_He got up and walked towards the trees, very slowly, he was sure that he had heard something, maybe a cat or a dog. Remus liked animals and he was sad that his parents didn’t allow him to have any._

Snap.

_A pair of glowing, yellow eyes starred at Remus. He heard a growl, long and deep and he froze. Slowly, very slowly, Remus took a step backwards._

Snap.

_He had stepped on a small branch. He didn’t dare breathe. The growling was closer now, he could see the eyes more clearly, horrible eyes, full of hate and hunger._

Snap.

_The creature jumped –_

Remus woke up with a start, his heart racing, his shirt clinging to cold, wet skin.

“Moony, are you okay?” Sirius asked, rushing over to Remus’ bed.

“Yeah…No…I don’t know,” Remus answered, trying to clear his head, “Nightmare,” he added.

Sirius sat down next to his friend and looked at him, worried, “It’s him isn’t it? Greyback. I heard you say his name.”

Remus nodded and Sirius lay one hand on Remus’ shoulder, grounding him. “It was just a dream. He can’t hurt you anymore, I won’t let him,” the brunet reassured him before pulling Remus into a tight embrace. It felt good to be so close to Sirius, his arms were wrapped around him, strong and yet gentle. He smelled like woods and earth and the wolf in him recognised the dog from last night. Remus relaxed, closing his eyes he laid his head against Sirius’ chest and enjoyed the boy’s hand running though his hair.

“It’s okay,” Sirius whispered.

Remus opened his eyes, raising his head slightly. They were so close –

With a loud _bang_ the door to the dorm was thrown open and a soaking Peter came in, not taking any note of his friends.

“Merlin, Peter. What happened?” Sirius asked, he had let go of Remus the second they had heard the noise and was now standing next to the bed.

“James happened,” Peter grumbled, grabbing some fresh clothes and going to the bathroom.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other, both trying not to laugh.

“Right. I think I will just go and see what James has done. Will you be alright?”

Remus nodded. He didn’t want Sirius to go, but he also didn’t want to know what might have happened if Peter hadn’t come in. It seemed like a dangerous thought.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

_What the hell is wrong is wrong with me?_

Sirius would have loved to punch himself.

He went out of the dormitory to find James but really that had just been an excuse to get away from Remus. Deep in thoughts he went downstairs to the common room.

They had been so close. _So close_. Sirius swallowed. That certainly wasn’t good. His brain was just playing some sick joke on him, he _couldn’t_ have feelings for Moony. That was just not an option. But then again, something had happened last night. Something he couldn’t explain. Not even to himself.

He found James sitting in front of the fireplace, doing what he usually did: staring at Lily Evans.

“Hey Prongs.”

“Hey Padfoot.”

“Say, _what_ have you done to poor Wormtail and _why_ didn’t you tell me about it?”

“Oh, you know, that was just a bit of water and about the why…well, you seemed pretty occupied with watching Moony in his sleep.” James answered and Sirius chose to ignore the strange look he gave him.

“He had a nightmare.” Which was true enough.

“Oh.”

“Greyback,” Sirius explained, “I tried to comfort him a bit.”

“Right.” James had gone back to watching Evans and Sirius felt a sharp sting of annoyance.

“You know, I can go, if you prefer stalking a girl that wouldn’t even say hello to you.” Finally, that caught James’ attention.

“Are you jealous?” he asked, frowning.

“You wish.”

James sighed.

“I’m sorry Pads. I just have a feeling that this year, she might finally say yes.”

Sirius chuckled, “I admire your faith, my friend, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Will you two stop fighting?”

James and Sirius turned around and saw Remus standing right behind them; he still looked tired but not nearly as much as he usually did after the full moon.

“Moony.” James seemed relieved to see their friend. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Great. Because I’ve got a _genius_ idea! Now, listen...”

* * *

 

**Remus**

“This is a terrible idea,” Remus hissed as he and Sirius were squeezed into a too small broom closet in the Entrance Hall. Waiting

“It definitely will be if you don’t shut up now.” Sirius shot back.

It had been James idea, or rather, it had been Peter who had given James the idea.

The ‘accident’ with the water had reminded James that it would be totally funny to set up little dye – canons all over the Great Hall, hexed, so they would start firing at a time when most students would be at breakfast. That in itself had been easy, attaching the canons in the Great Hall proved to be more difficult. James had chosen Sirius and Remus to do the job, while he and Peter would take care of the necessary distraction somewhere far off from the Great Hall.

So they waited.

It must have been a few minutes past midnight when they heard dulled noise.

“That’s it. Let’s go.”

They rushed into the Great Hall and started working. The plan was to attach the canons at the walls so everyone would have a chance to be covered in Dale Dicksons’ Deep Dye which lasted 24 hours and could not be washed off.

“Done,” Sirius exclaimed in a victorious voice, and together they hasted out of the Great Hall. The whole castle was silent and Remus began to wonder what had happened to James. Using several hidden passages, they made their way back to the common room. Or tried to, anyway. They were somewhere on the fifth – floor when Remus heard the footsteps. He shot Sirius an alarming look and they hurried down the corridor, looking for a place to hide. One of the doors was ajar and they quickly pushed inside, listening intently as the steps passed them and eventually fainted out. Sighing in relief, both boys turned around to lean against the door and nearly started screaming.

“Well, well, well.” Mrs. McGonagall stood in the middle of the room, looking at them w ith deep disapproval. “I assume that it was you that let the water pipes explode?”

They didn’t answer.

“Let’s see. That is fifty pints from Gryffindor each and tomorrow you will clean up the mess you have caused. And I must say I’m surprised. Mr. Black I’m quite used to you causing trouble but you Mr. Lupin, I thought you were more reasonable than that; but now, back to bed!”

They didn’t argue, for they would have got detention anyway for being out of bed in the middle of the night, so they might as well take the blame for the distraction – at least then, they couldn’t be blamed for the dye – canons.

“Well, that wasn’t too bad, was it?” Sirius said cheerfully when they got back to the common room. Remus glared at him. “Okay, maybe it was,” Sirius caved, “But still, you don’t have to be angry with me, this was not my fault for a change.”

“I know and I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with myself for agreeing to it in the first place.”

They entered their dormitory and found James and Peter wide awake on their beds.

“And?” Peter squeaked, “How did it go?”

“Quite good up to the point where McGonagall caught us on our way back. I mean, really James? Exploding water pipes?”

James gave them an sly smile, “I didn’t want it to look like I actually did it. I would never do such a trivial thing.”

“Well we can clean it up for you tomorrow.”

“Sorry,” James said, even though he didn’t look very sorry.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Remus and Sirius stood in the door of the boys” toilets on the fifth floor. The whole room was flooded with water and one of the walls had a big hole which showed several pipes, most of them broken.

“Eww. Please, remind me of this, the next time James has one of his ‘genius’ ideas. This is gross.” Sirius screwed up his face in disgust as he took a tentative step forward.

“As if you didn’t enjoy yourself last night,” Remus replied with a smile. He had to agree, though, this _was_ gross.

“And you didn’t?” the brunet shot back, smirking knowingly.

“I’m not gonna answer that.”

The two of them began to wade through the water, picking up pieces of the broken pipes.

“Merlin’s holy socks, this looks like someone’s tried to flush their underpants!” Sirius suddenly cried out, holding up a dripping, grey piece of cloth.

“Put that away Sirius.”

“You’re right,” Sirius answered and threw the underpants across the room. It was a sight of how good Remus knew his friend that he actually managed to duck in time, avoiding the dripping cloth, which smashed against the wall behind him.

“You fucking –” Remus threw his mop in retaliation, and Sirius let out an undignified shriek.

They ran and jumped all across the room, water splashing around their feet, soaking their clothes. Laughing and struggling for breath they hurried out of the toilet to return to the common room.

“What the hell? What happened to you two?” James asked, as they entered their dormitory, “Weren’t you supposed to clean up the toilets?”

“Well we did,” Sirius answered, taking his shirt off, “But then Moony decided to throw a mop at me.”

“You started it,” Remus complaint.

Sirius gave him a smirk and continued undressing. James, still laughing, left the room and suddenly Sirius realised that they were alone. Alone and half naked.

He looked at Remus’ back, scarred with old wounds and cuts. Sirius mouth was strangely dry. Remus back muscles flexed as he looked for a new shirt.

“Pads, have you seen my other red shirt?” he asked, turning around, “Sirius?”

Sirius swallowed and tore his eyes away from Remus bare chest, “No.” his voice sounded strained and he cleared his throat and tried again, “No, I haven’t.”

Remus starred at him, blinking, “Okay.”

Sirius grabbed a fresh pair of trousers and rushed to the bathroom, he couldn’t deal with this right now, couldn’t watch Remus prance around the room n nothing but his boxers.

When Sirius returned to the dormitory, Remus was gone. He went downstairs, but he wasn’t in the common room either, and it wasn’t until James had told him that Remus had gone back to the bathroom that Sirius remembered that they had had a task to finish.

They didn’t talk while they wiped up the water and when they were finally done, the floor was more or less dry.

“Well,” Remus broke the silence, “That wasn’t too bad was it?”

“Shut up,” Sirius replied, smiling.

They went to Professor McGonagalls’ office to tell her that they had finished, but their teacher only laughed. “I think it would do you no harm if you cleaned the other toilets as well,” she said and shut the door in their faces.

“ _That_ , is not fair,” Sirius whined on their way back to the common room.

“I agree with you but I’m afraid there’s nothing we can actually do about it.”

 

And that is how the two Gryffindors ended up spending the next few weekends cleaning all the toilets in the school.

_At least Moony is with me,_ Sirius thought for himself.

His company was indeed comforting and he found himself looking more and more often at the way Remus muscles played under his clothes, how his hair fell into his face, his eyes wrinkled when he smiled.

_Well…shit._

* * *

 

**Remus**

The exams were nearly over.

Remus, James, Sirius and Peter walked out of the castle to sit down under a tree and Remus began to read, while James played with his snitch and Sirius was bored as he soon declared to his friends.

And then Snape showed up.

“All right, Snivellus?” James asked loudly

It was always the same. Sirius or Jams would pick a fight with Snape, Peter would join in eventually and Remus would sit on the side – lines debating with himself whether he should step in or not. He never did.

He was faintly aware that Snape was hanging upside – down in the air and that Lily was screaming at James to “Let him down!” and the dull thumb told him that James had, in fact, let Snape down and that the Slytherin was now lying on the ground.

 

Remus was glad when his friends finally let go of Snape, when the familiar sense of shame set in. He knew it was wrong, not stepping in, not saying something. He didn’t particularly like Snape but what his friends did…well…

“Where’s James?” Sirius asked when he joined Remus in their dormitory.

“Looking for Lily. I think he wants to apologise to her.”

Sirius snorted, “Right. As if that would make her go out with him..” He sat down next to Remus and looked at him.

“What?” asked Remus, already having a good guess about the answer

“I’m bored.”

Remus supressed a sigh, “You might want to apologise too, you know. To Snape,” he suggested even though he knew it was a losing battle.

“You’re joking, right? Why would I do that?”

“Not in the slightest. It’s bullying, Sirius.”

“Fine. We _might_ have gone a little too far. I’m sorry, okay?”

“You don’t have to apologise to me.”

“To whom am I supposed to do it to then? ‘Cause I’m certainly _not_ going to Snape.”

Remus _did_ sighed then. Sometimes Sirius was worse than a five year old..

“Anyway,” changed Sirius the subject, “James and Evans. I just don’t understand what he sees in her. I mean, it’s been five years now and he still won’t give up on her.”

“Well maybe that’s because you don’t just give up on someone you love.”

“But she doesn’t even _like_ him.”

“Liking is always a matter of interpretation.”

Sirius blinked, “What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

Remus blinked. He didn’t even know himself what exactly he was trying to say, »I _mean_ that behind a strong aversion can be a hidden or suppressed attraction,” he explained, “You can only hate someone if you care about them or about what they do.”

“Right,” said Sirius, “I’m still bored though.”

Remus rolled his eyes but stopped dead when he saw Sirius’ smirk.

_Oh no!_ He thought. He knew that smirk and it never meant anything good.

Slowly, very slowly, Sirius edged closer and started tickling Remus. His friend knew exactly which buttons he had to press to have Remus wriggling and giggling on the bed, pinned down by a laughing Sirius. They were both panting heavily and Sirius allowed Remus to prop himself up on his elbows, looking up at his friend.

“W – What are you doing?” Remus breathed out. Sirius was still on top of him, leaning down closer and closer to Remus’ face.

“Interpreting,” he whispered and brushed his lips against Remus’ ever so gently.

Time stood still and the world stopped turning. It was just him and Sirius and their bodies pressed against each other. He could feel Sirius’ hands on his back, slowly making their way down to his hip, could feel his own heart beating fast in his chest. His head was empty, his own hands pulled Sirius closer, onto his lap, their lower bodies rubbing against each other.

Remus’ shirt slid up and Sirius’ hands touched the bare skin underneath, sending shock waves through Remus’ body, pulling him back to reality.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Remus pushed him away and that was when Sirius realised what he had done.

“I’m sorry,” he heard himself say before running out of the room. Downstairs into the common room. Out on the stairs, passing other students, portraits, teachers but all that seemed to be nothing more than a blurry stream of noise and colours. Through the Entrance Hall out of the Gate, the sun shining down on him, and Sirius stopped.

His look wandered to the lake. James stood by the water, chatting and laughing with a girl.

_So she finally gave in,_ he thought.

Lily Evans was talking, actually talking, to James and he had only eyes for her.

Sirius went past them towards the Forbidden Forest. As soon as he had reached the dark shadows of the trees he changed into Padfoot and as Padfoot he began to run and run and run.

He was deep inside the Forest, much deeper than ever before but he wasn’t worried. He would make his way back, and if not it wouldn’t do any harm.

He thought about Remus.

_What have I done?_

He hadn’t meant to kiss him; it had just happened. Things like that always just happened. Just like his kiss with James had just happened, only this time it had been completely different. His kiss with James had been out of curiosity, anger, confusion.

With Moony it was…different.  

It was late when Sirius got back to the dormitory and he was glad to find it empty. He fell onto his bed, closed the curtains and starred at the ceiling. When his friends came back, he remained quiet, letting them think he was asleep.

“- I had that feeling all along,” James just said sounding giddy and excited, “She still says she hates me though, but it’s a start.”

“Congratulation. Really.” Remus’ voice sounded tired and it was clear that he couldn’t care less for James’ love life at the moment but James didn’t even seem to notice.

“She even said that she might write me over the summer.”

“Great.”

Hearing Remus’ voice shot little waves of pain through Sirius’ body, he felt tears in his eyes and would have loved to start screaming but he stayed quiet and closed his eyes, trying hard to think to something else.

 

The week passed by, the exams were over, and the end of the school year drew nearer and nearer. Remus and Sirius gave their best to act as normal as possible around each other, pretending like nothing had happened.

Sirius felt like dying, he couldn’t cheer with his friends when they finally walked out of their last O.W.L test and the prospect of returning to 12 Grimmauld Place wasn’t exactly making him feel better either.

The last full moon of their fifth year was about to come and Sirius walked down to the Great Hall on his own when he suddenly saw a dark figure standing in his way.

“Snivellus,” he spat, drawing out his wand.

“Black.”

“What do you want?”

“I was just wondering where your friends are. Especially Lupin, he seems a bit like your lap dog, doesn’t he?” Snape smiled wickedly and Sirius rolled his eyes. He really wasn’t in the mood for this kind of conversation right now. “Ouch, I must have touched a nerve there. Does it hurt to be separated from your boyfriend?”

“Shut up,” Sirius snapped, anger boiling up inside of him.

“Or maybe, he just realised what a prick you are although I wouldn’t expect him to be that smart.”

“I said, shut up!”

“Where does he go all those nights he leaves the school?” Snape suddenly asked and Sirius startled. _How does he know about that?_

“Well, why don’t you find out yourself?” Sirius replied without even thinking about it, “Go Snivellus, tonight’s your big chance! Go and find out what he’s doing!” And with that he stormed off, trying to calm the storm raging inside of him.

Only later he realised that telling Snape might have not been so wise and James’ reaction when he told him confirmed him in his suspicion.

»You did _what_?! Have you gone _completely_ mad?” James shouted and ran out of the room. Sirius stayed where he was, it slowly began to dawn on him that he hadn’t just put Snape in extreme danger but most of all Moony.

_Moony!_

Sirius jumped up and ran out of the common room, down the stairs and out of the school towards the Whomping Willow, the moon was high and full and in the distance he could see two people wrestling on the ground. He could hear Moony crying from inside the tunnel under the Whomping Willow, he transformed and ran forward to lead Moony away from the entrance of the tunnel. He could hear James’ screams and Snape’s swears but he didn’t stop to see if they were alright, what was more important now, was to get Moony distracted. He managed to lead him back into the Shrieking Shack but the wolf was furious, he missed his pack and he didn’t like the way Padfoot was pushing him around. He howled and lunged forward at the dog. Padfoot whimpered and backed away,  while the wolf attacked again but Padfoot was quicker, he ducked and ran out of the Shrieking Shack. Outside he could see James and Snape still lying on the ground; Sirius transformed back and ran towards them. In that moment, Madame Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall, Professor Slughorn and Professor Dumbledore made their way over the grounds.

“What happened? Why on earth are you three not in your beds?” Slughorn shouted.

It took hours to explain what they had been doing, sitting in the Hospital Wing, each with a cup of hot chocolate. In the end, Professor Dumbledore looked at them in a rather strange way, Sirius though that it might have been disappointment, and said that they had all been lucky that nothing worse had happened. None of them got any punishment but they all had to swear that they would not lose a word about the events of that night. Naturally, they all agreed.

On their way back to the Gryffindor Tower, neither James nor Sirius spoke even one word but Sirius  could tell that his friend was furious and he couldn’t blame him. Sirius was furious with himself too.

They changed into their pyjamas and lay down to try to get some sleep.

* * *

 

**Remus**

He woke up with a major headache. Sunlight forced its way through his closed eyelids and his whole body hurt.

Something had gone wrong last night. He remembered Madame Pomfrey bringing him to the Shrieking Shack as usual, he membered waiting for his friends, he remembered his friends never showing up.

Then he had heard the voices. Someone had been at the other end of the tunnel shouting and screaming. Without thinking Remus had left the Shrieking Shack to see what was going on, he had just arrived at the entrance when the transformation had begun.

The last thing he remembered where two dark shades lying on the floor and a huge dog running towards the Whomping Willow.

Now he lay in a bed in the Hospital Wing. He heard people talking to each other in low voices.

“- not tell him yet. It was great luck that nothing has actually happened but it could have. “ That was James.

“He’s okay, though, isn’t he?” Peter’s voice asked.

“Madame Pomfrey says that he’s going to be fine, yeah.”

Remus opened his eyes. His two best friends, James and Peter, sat next to his bed and Peter gasped when he saw that Remus was awake, “Moony.”

James leaned forward and smiled, “Hey Moons. How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been run over by the Hogwarts Express,” he muttered.

“Here, have some chocolate.”

Remus took the chocolate bar and started eating. It was really fascinating what effect chocolate had on him; at once he could feel the weariness lessen.

“What happened?” he asked and James’ smile vanished.

“Er…Remus…I don’t think that we should talk about that now –”

“What happened?” he asked again, “I remember people in front of the Whomping Willow and…Padfoot was there, I think.”

“That’s right,” James admitted reluctantly, “I was there too and…and Snape.”

“Snape?!”

“Look, I really don’t think –”

“What on _earth,_ was Snape doing there? Hang on…was that you on the floor? With him? Have you been fighting?” only now did he take in James’ face black eye. His right eye was bruised.

James nodded, “He…he knew that you would go out…”

“How could he possibly know that? Did he…I mean does he know?”

James nodded again and Remus swallowed. Snape of all people…

“He had to swear to Dumbledore that he won’t tell anyone,” James supplied quickly.

“How did he know?”

James and Peter exchanged looks.

“Someone told him.”

Remus could practically feel how his face went pale.

“Who?”

“Moony please, you gotta –”

“ _Who?_ ”

James looked at him almost painfully. “Sirius,” he whispered.

_Sirius?_

Remus felt like crying.

_Why?_

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Sirius stayed in his bed all day, or at least he would have if James hadn’t come in.

“Look if you wanna lecture me because I’ve made a terrible mistake; spare your breath, cause I’m perfectly able to do that on my own!” he snapped immediately without giving James any chance to even open his mouth.

“Actually,” James began, “I’m here to bring you this.” He threw a little bag on Sirius’ bed, filled with food. “Thought you might need it.”

“Thanks,” Sirius said sheepishly, “Have you seen Remus?”

“He’s gonna be okay. He’s awake.” Sirius looked up. “But I don’t think you should see him now,” James added quickly.

“But I have to. I have to apologise.” Sirius got up to leave the room but was held back bz James, “Sirius, really, it is not wise for you to –”

“Fuck wise, I want to see my friend, now.”

Sirius rushed out of the Tower to the Hospital Wing, a swearing James right on his heels. Sirius stopped dead as he reached the door of the Hospital Wing, he suddenly doubted if it had really been such a good idea to come. He just thought of leaving again as the door swung open.

“Black,” Liliy Evans stood there and looked at him spitefully, but Sirius paid no attention to her but rather to Remus who sat upright in his bed, his eyes fixed on Sirius.

“Moony, please…I’m so, so sorry.” he pleaded ignoring the other two people in the room.

“Yeah. You’re always sorry,” Remus replied, his eyes sharp and angry, “What a pity though that ‘sorry’ doesn’t quite cut it this time.”

“I know, I –“

“No Sirius! You don’t get, do you? Do you realise, I mean do you _actually_ realise, what you have done? What could have happened? I could have killed him!”

“I – I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t think –”

“Of course you didn’t!” Remus shouted, “Because you never think, do you, Sirius? No, you just do whatever you want, whenever you want and you don’t think _once_ about how that might make other people feel!”

Sirius had the strange feeling that this wasn’t about Snape anymore but about everything else that was between them, or could have been.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised again but Remus just shook his head.

“I trusted you.” He could see tears in Remus’ eyes. “Go. Just go.”

Sirius nodded and went out without looking at one of his friends. He was sure that they had realised as well that there was more to it than just Sirius’ stupidity and he really wasn’t in the mood to explain anything to anyone right now. Instead he went back to their dormitory and fell onto his bed and as he lay there he felt tears streaming down his face.

 

A few days later they all sat together in the Hogwarts Express on their way home. After the scene at the Hospital Wing Remus hadn’t changed one word with Sirius and he was even kind of glad about that. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe Remus was better off without him.

It was an unpleasant, awkward journey and Sirius had never been happier about seeing King’s Cross Station.

When he and his brother arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place, the house was empty except for Kreacher who told them that their parents would be back soon. The next couple of hours Sirius spent with looking at all the photos he had and every time he came around one that showed Remus, he felt a painful sting in his stomach.

Eventually the front door opened and Sirius could hear people walking through the hallway. Sirius groaned. Every so often, his mother invited her brother to their house for dinner, apparently today was one of those occasions. His uncle Cygnus and his wife Druella as well as their two daughters Bellatrix and Narcissa were model members of the Black family. It turned out that Bellatrix had brought her husband, Rudolphus Lestrange, along and Narcissa introduced a pale, blonde young man named Lucius Malfoy as her boyfriend. They all sat at the dinner table and Druella just told her sister – in - law about the latest gossip within the family when Bellatrix gave Sirius a nasty grin.

“Speaking of gossip,” she raised her voice, “A friend of mine who still goes to the Hogwarts School had a very interesting story for me. Aunt Walburga, did you know about your son’s latest romances?”

Both Regulus and Sirius nearly choked on their pieces of pie while their mother gave them a disapproving look and then turned to Bellatrix, frowning, “Which one my dear? I am sure Regulus must be popular among the girls, he’s such a handsome boy, don’t you think?”

“Clearly, I have no doubts about that, but I was talking about your other son.”

Sirius was aware that everyone was now starring at him, while he tried to stay calm and pretend like he didn’t know what his cousin was talking about.

“Sirius?” Walburga asked surprised, then she broke out in shrill laugher.

“Yes indeed. Didn’t you know that he’s been dating boys?”

Now it was on Walborga to choke on her meal. “What did you say?” Her voice was nothing more than a whisper but she might as well have screamed, everyone winced at the sound of her anger; everyone except Bellatrix who seemed to find the whole situation amusing.

“You heard,” she simply said.

Walburga’s eyes were now fixed on her son and he held it, he wasn’t sure whether his hate for his mother or for his cousin was greater at the moment but it was clear that the time had come for him to finally leave Grimmauld Place.

“Sirius, do you have got anything to say for yourself? Surely, you are usually not in such a loss for words,” she said coolly and Sirius found himself laughing.

“I am not in loss for words, it is just too good to see your shocked faces. Do _you_ have got anything to say?”

“Out.”

“With pleasure.”

“Mum, please –”

“Stay out of this Regulus! Your brother is leaving now. His little friends of Mudbloods and Blood Traitors have poisoned his mind, I’m afraid. As to you Sirius,” she turned again towards her son, “Don’t you dare to come back here.”

“Don’t worry about that, _mother_ ,” he spat the word as if it was something bitter he had to get rid of, “I’m not intending to do so.”

And with those words he walked upstairs, grabbed his trunk which was still packed and left. He ran through the dark streets, hours and hours, not knowing where to go until he found himself in a very familiar place; without even taking notice he had gone to James’ home. It was the middle of the night, nevertheless Sirius rang the bell, to his surprise Euphemia Potter opened almost immediately.

“Sirius? What – Is everything okay?” she asked concerned and Sirius broke down. Tears were clouding his vision and he didn’t trust his voice to work but choked out nonetheless, “I – I –” he stammered, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

Apparently, that was enough.

Euphemia jumped forward and pulled him into her arms, stroking his hair, “Shh. It’s okay, son. It’s okay,” she whispered and led him inside.

“Mum?” James shouted from upstairs, “Is everything okay? I heard the bell –” He paused. James stood on the bottom landing and starred at his best friend. “Sirius? What –”

“James, love, would you put the cattle on please?” Euphemia interrupted her son.

“Sure.”

“Euphemia, what’s going on?” James’ dad, Fleamont, came downstairs as well and looked both surprised and shocked at the sight of Sirius, sitting in the living room. James came back with a pot of tea and sat down next to Sirius.

“Jesus, mate, what happened?” he asked and his eyes wide in deep concern. Once James’ parents had joint them on the sofa, Sirius knew that he had to explain why he had showed up on their doorstep in the middle of the night but he couldn’t, not now.

“Chucked me out,” was all he managed to get out and he was glad that he didn’t start crying again. He hated crying. Especially in front of James.

“You can stay here as long as you want,” Fleamont reassured him.

James’ parents knew of the problems Sirius had at home and he was grateful that they didn’t expect further explanations, not now anyway. James brought his friend upstairs to his room, where an additional mattress was already laid out.

“Thanks,” muttered Sirius as he lay down and almost immediately he fell asleep.

* * *

 

**Remus**

 

It was about 5 a.m. in the morning and still dark outside when the owl knocked against his window; still drowsy Remus got up and staggered forward to let it in. He opened the letter and recognised James’ handwriting but he needed three attempts until he actually understood what was written on the sheet.

 

_Hey Moony,_

_sorry to disturb you this early in the morning._

_Sirius showed up here last night, he’s been chucked out and devastated. I know that you’re pissed at him but, really, he needs you. Now more than ever._

_Please think about it and come as soon as possible._

_James_

The letter must have been written in haste, the handwriting scrawly and hard to make out. Remus read it again and again and again but the more often he went over the words, the less sense they seemed to make.

Everything became blurry, he couldn’t think properly.

_Sirius_.

That was all.

_Sirius_.

He forgot that he was supposed to be angry, that he had even tried to hate him.

_Sirius needs help._

Without much thinking he got dressed, wrote a note to his parents and left the house.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

Sirius opened his eyes. It was still early but he felt strangely relaxed.

“Morning.” James sat on a chair next to him, watching.

“Morning Prongs.”

“How do you feel?”

“Splendid. Except maybe for the fact that I’ve just lost my family and my home,” Sirius replied bitterly.

“Your friends are your family,” James said gently, “Gryffindor. And Hogwarts is your home”

“I know. I mean it’s not like I wanted to stay there anyway it’s just…I would have liked to do it on my own terms, you know?”

James nodded, or course he would understand. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?” he asked and Sirius told him. It felt good to talk about it and James was a good listener. When Sirius had finished, James smiled faintly at him.

“It’s gonna be okay. You heard what dad said last night, you can stay here as long as you want.”

“Thank you.”

“I sent a letter to Moony,” James suddenly said and Sirius’ blood ran cold.

“ _What?!_ ” he cried out, now wide awake, “What’d you do that for?”

“I thought he ought to know. He’s your friend, Sirius. Even though you two don’t get along so well lately,” James explained in a calm voice, “I’m not gonna ask you what happened. I’ve got an idea but, who knows, maybe I’ve got it all wrong. You both have been acting really strange lately.”

Sirius looked at his friend but chose to say nothing. He had the suspicion that James knew pretty well what had happened.

“It’s nothing,” he grumbled, “He just hates me, that’s all.”

“It is certainly not nothing. You might have not realised it but you’ve been really protective over Moony the last months. And he doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t understand why you did what you did; which is for me as well, you know.”

“You should have seen Snape, strutting through the castle all high and mighty. He said really nasty things about Moony, I just lost it.”

“Pads, he says really nasty things about all of us, all the time. You never cared before, let alone tried to kill him.”

“I didn’t try to –”

“I know. But you could have. Look, like I said I don’t want to imply anything but…Sirius…is there something going on between you and Moony?” James looked at him rather uneasy, scared even, like he half expected Sirius to explode. Sirius, however, avoided his friend’s eyes and concentrated on the trees outside the window.

“I don’t know,” he answered eventually.

“You know that I don’t have a problem with that, right?”

“I suppose.”

“But…well…whatever you do, please don’t hurt him.”

“What?” Sirius turned his head to James and looked at him in disbelief. “I would never –”

“I know that you would never deliberately hurt him. It’s just, well, sometimes you tend to be a bit…reckless.”

“Reckless?” Sirius repeated.

“Yes, reckless.”

“Says the boy that hexes the best friend of the girl of his dreams?”

“Right, I do admit that that wasn’t precisely one of my brightest moments –”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“ _But_ – I did apologise, didn’t I? And, and that’s the main thing, it got her to finally talk to me because she was so impressed with my empathy.”

Sirius grunted, “Yeah, right.”

James opened his mouth to reply something but in that very moment the bell rang.

James frowned. “Who might that be?” he asked and only seconds later his mum called him downstairs.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus stood on the pavement, it was raining but he couldn’t go any further. He had come as fast as he could but now he hesitated, if it had been really such a good idea. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stand there all day.

He rang the bell and Mrs. Potter opened the door, she seemed not at all surprised to see Remus and called for her son, “James! Sirius! You’ve got a visitor!”

James came down and he, unlike his mother, did look surprised to see him.

“Moony? What are you doing here? Wait, actually, don’t answer that, I know what you are doing here, I just didn’t expect you so early.”

“I got your letter and left immediately,” Remus explained, still torn between leaving and going back home and being there for his friend. The decision was made for him when James dragged him inside and up the stairs.

“Hi, Moony,” Sirius greeted him when he entered James’ room.

“Hi, Pads.” It had been truly stupid to come here, Remus realised.

There was an awkward silence in which both Sirius and Remus tried to look anywhere except at each other.

“Right,” James cut in, “Whatever it is with you two, sort it out.” And with that he left the room and closed the door.

“I’m sorry Remus,” Sirius whispered eventually. He looked tired, Remus found, miserable.

“I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Why did you come?”

“That’s a good question. I don’t bloody know. James said you might need help.”

“Okay, you know what? James’s right: this _is_ stupid! What is your problem? I said I was sorry about Snape. I shouldn’t have done it but I can’t change it anymore, can I?”

“My problem?” Remus repeated, forcing himself to stay calm, “Right now, that is you, Sirius! Do you really believe that this is all about Snape?”

“Well, what is it then about?”

“You kissed me, remember?”

“Yes, Remus, I do. I was there!”

“Don’t you have anything to say about that? Are we just going to pretend like it never happened?”

“I could ask you the same question. What do you want me to say? Because _I_ had the impression that _you_ didn’t want to talk about it!”

“Because I knew what you would say! Because I didn’t want to hear it! But go on, just say it already! You’ve made a mistake, you are sorry and it won’t happen again. You were just bored and I happened to be there.”

Sirius winced, standing there motionless, staring at Remus. Finally, he opened his mouth, “Really, Remus? Is that really what you think of me?” his voice was low, not more than a whisper, but Remus heard every word.

“Well, is it wrong?” he asked. He felt anger and disappointment and although he knew that he was being unfair he didn’t care. Not really.

“Fuck you, Remus!” Sirius shouted and Remus could see pain in his eyes.

_What is happening here?_

Remus backed away, his back hitting the door and he scrambled to get it open, to get out, nearly running James over in the process.

“What ha – Remus?”

But Remus didn’t answer.

“What have you done this time?” he could hear James saying accusingly and Sirius answer, full of hurt and betrayal, “Why does it always have to be me?”

A door was slammed and Remus could hear James swearing. Footsteps hurried behind him down the stairs and suddenly there was a hand on his arm, grabbing him tight, flinging him around.

“Wait, Moony what happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Is this what you call nothing? Merlin, you’re even worse than Sirius.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine, don’t talk then, but at least listen to me.”

Remus nodded, not sure what else to do, and they went to the kitchen.

“I can’t believe that I’m doing this,” James muttered and ran his hand through his already tousled hair, “It’s usually you that talks some sense into us.” The corner of Remus’ mouth twitched. “Look, Moony, I already said this to Sirius. I don’t know what happened between you two but I have an idea and I think that it is pretty accurate; something definitely did happen. He cares about you, Remus.”

“He kissed me,” Remus  blurted out, “He kissed me and I freaked out.”

“Why?” James asked softly.

“Because –” Remus hesitated. It was hard to say it, since he couldn’t even admit it to himself properly, “Because I really liked it.” There, he’d said it. It was out and now he couldn’t take it back.

“So?”

“So? Don’t you get it? I’m not supposed to…I can’t be…It’s just wrong.”

“But you never had a problem with Sirius, did you?”

“Of course not. Sirius is just, well, he’s just Sirius.”

“And you’re just Remus. There’s nothing wrong with you. Not with being a werewolf, not with kissing blokes.”

He could feel James’ hand on his shoulder and allowed his friend to pull him into a hug.

“I should go now,” Remus said, freeing himself from James’ grip and went outside into the rain.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Sirius had paced up and down James’ bedroom trying to ignore the noise in his head.

It had hurt. It had really and truly hurt to hear what Remus thought of him.

_I’m not like that!_ He wasn’t…was he?

He had thought about all those little affairs and one – night stands he had had, none of them had meant something. Remus had a point, when he said that Sirius just used the people that happened to be there. But this was different, Remus had not just _been there_. You didn’t kiss your friends because you were bored.

It had taken Sirius quite some time to understand what it was but when he finally had, he had been sure that it wasn’t just some stupid crush. And if he let Remus go now, it would be too late.

 

“Moony, wait!” Sirius followed Remus outside and he was glad that the other boy stopped, although he did not turn around. Sirius bit his lower lip, _I can do this,_ he told himself.

“I’m not sorry about kissing you. I don’t think it was a mistake and I would do it again, if you let me.”

He felt naked, exposed, as he stood in the rain and looked at his friend’s back. Remus still gave no sign of turning around, Sirius stepped closer and closer until he was directly behind him.

“Look at me, Moony,” he whispered.

Finally, Remus moved. They stood there on the pavement, the rain pattering down on them and once again time seemed to stand still.

Sirius could see every detail in Remus’ face, every eyelash, every pore. A single raindrop ran dawn his nose and stopped at his upper lip; Sirius raised his hand, unsure of what he was doing, and brushed it off. The raindrop was gone but his hand reminded. Remus didn’t pull away but Sirius could feel his heart beating faster; he stroked Remus’ cheek, his eyes fixed on Remus’ and slowly, very slowly, he moved his face closer Remus’, he could hear his own breath going fast, could feel his own heart rushing in his chest.

Their lips met. It was a shy kiss, full of insecurities and fear but Remus didn’t push him back. Sirius’ could feel the other boy’s hands on his back, slowly pulling him closer. A wave of warmth rushed through his body, their kiss became more passionate, jet tender.

Sirius pulled back. »Moony, I - «, but Remus placed a finger on his lips and shut him up.

“Don’t talk. Not now.”

They kissed again, long and intense, and Sirius wished that they would never have to stop.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [Find me on Tumblr =)](https://dreamworldvictim.tumblr.com/)


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